Chris Distefano’s Embarrassing Journey to Success

Chris Distefano’s Embarrassing Journey to Success


My mother called the police. She was like,
“My son found a tooth. Like if you guys
are looking for anybody, there’s a human tooth
at Farmer’s [inaudible 00:00:06]
in Ridgeway, New York.” Everything that you tell me
is harrowing. My dad started hitting on my mom when she was walking
the walk down, because my dad was picking up
trash with the claw thing because he had
community service. From prison. Yeah, and he was flirting
with her, clipping her
with the trash thing. She was like,
“Get away from me.” Then, he just continuously
followed her and called. And then finally she just
had sex, and they had me. How long were they married for? Like not long at all. Yeah, it was your fault. Probably. I was a fucking ugly
little shitcase. Were you?
Yep. You’re so good looking. Really, you think that? Yeah.
Thank you. I was about eight, so roughly
your age when you found out. Everybody else is getting
Christmas presents and having a good time with their families
playing in the snow, and I’m on a cruise
with my mother who’s just recently
been dumped. And she’s having a glass
of white zinfandel or seven and she was like,
“You know, honey, I think it’s about time
you know the truth.” I thought she was
going to tell me my dad not being my dad
or I’m adopted. She was like,
“Santa, not real.” Yeah, and she was like,
“It’s just the truth, ’cause life
is going to hurt you.” Wow. I remember she said,
“Life is going to hurt you, so if it’s going to be anyone,
it should be your mother. Santa’s not real.” Wow.
I was like, “Thank you.” Christopher. And she was like, “We’re having
a good time on this cruise.” And I was like no. I found out the tooth fairy
wasn’t real. I was out in the park
and my neighbor … I was eight or nine years old. There was a human tooth
that I found and I put it
under my pillow that night and the tooth fairy never came. I was like,
“There’s a tooth here, Mom. Where’s the tooth fairy?”
And she was like, “What? Why are you finding
human teeth in the park.” My mother called the police. She was like,
“My son found a tooth.” And the police were like,
“Yeah, somebody probably just got
their teeth knocked out.” I actually got electrocuted
on prom night. That’s a real thing
that happened. Is that what you’re into? Nah. No, I just got
electrocuted. We’re at the prom, and it
was raining out that night and there was a big puddle
by my table that was coming underneath. And like an idiot,
I brought my phone charger because I have to have
my Nokia phone, and I went to go plug it in
and I got a jolt of electricity and was knocked unconscious
at my prom. My girlfriend at the time, she dumped me like two,
three days later. For being electrocuted? No, I think just for being
like a little bitch. You couldn’t take electricity
like a man. Yeah, it’s like what? Come on.
Come on, Boo. ‘Cause you passed ut
from a couple volts. Yeah, a couple volts. I actually was on a date once. I was like 23 years old,
and we were in a cab. I thought it was going great.
We were stopped at a red light and then the cab
starts to accelerate when the light turned green, so it was going like
maybe five miles an hour. And she opened the door
and rolled out of the car. The cab driver was like,
“Oh my God.” I was like, “Oh my God.” And then I stopped
and wanted to get out and she started
sprinting away from me. Like sprinting-
Wow. … away. And nothing happened.
And the cab was like, “What the …
What did you do to her?” I’m like,
“You were sitting here. I didn’t do anything.” I met one of your sisters once.
Yeah. She was really hot. You fucked to her, didn’t you? Um. Yeah. What’re you going to do?
You know. You met two of my sisters. I fucked both of them. Dude, my daughter,
every single time I’m driving, she throws
a quarter at me from the back seat. So I’ll be driving and all
of a sudden out of no where, ten minutes
into driving, boom, quarter hits the windshield,
and I’ll turn around like, “Delilah, where’d you get
that quarter?” And then she just acts like
she doesn’t know what it is. My daughter,
she’s like three years old, but she’s got like
that little feisty attitude. The other day she was telling me
she was hot, so I rolled down the windows.
And then she was like, “I’m cold.”
So I rolled up the windows. I’m like, “We’re not going to
do this all day, Delilah. What is it?”
She’s like, “I’m hot and cold.” I was like,
“What do you want me to do?” And she said, “Figure it out.” A three-year-old girl told me
to figure it out and guess what? I couldn’t figure it out. It’s kind of hard to be white.
Right? I mean I deal with it,
but I have white issues. Eczema, you know? I mean scoliosis,
gluten allergies, all that. Moderate to severe
plaque psoriasis. You know what
I’m talking about, right? White ailments.
You know, you’ve got ailments and then you’ve got
the ointments.

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