AGENT: Listen, Jumpman, this Donkey Kong, Jr. thing has been a PR nightmare. You put a giant ape in a tiny cage. You tried to kill a baby monkey. PETA is blowing a cartridge. You need an image overhaul. We need you fighting something less human, something, uh, nobody likes, uh… Turtles! MARIO: People like turtles… AGENT: Polls actually suggest that a majority of the 18 to 35 male demo would stomp the life out of a turtle if given the opportunity. Also, they think carpenters are a LITTLE too Jesus-y, so you’re a plumber now. MARIO: I don’t know the first thing about plumbing! AGENT: Plumbers test well; buy a plunger. You still dating that Pauline girl? MARIO: Yeah, yeah, things are getting pretty serious, uh… I’m probably going to propose — AGENT: — Don’t propose. Break it off. You need to be with a celebrity. I’m thinking royalty, duchess or higher. I represent a princess I think would be perfect for you. MARIO: A princess, eh…? AGENT: Greaaat, now that your love life is squared away, we need to start talkin’ family. People don’t wanna buy video games starring an only child. How about a brother? You got a brother? You do now. Meet Luigi. LUIGI: (In stuffy British accent) It is an absolute honor to have this opportunity. MARIO: Wh- He sounds nothing like me! [fingers snapping] LUIGI: (stereotypically Italian) I’m-a Luiiigiiii. AGENT: Oh, the guy’s a total pro. He can turn on the Italian s*** like an embarrassing dad at the Olive Garden. MARIO: You told me to hide my ethnicity! I changed my name to Jumpman for Christ’s sake! AGENT: What’s your real name again? MARIO: Mario! AGENT: I love it! Change it back. Italians are super hot right now, and you: lose thirty pounds and grow ten inches or GET THE F*** OUTTA MY OFFICE. AGENT: Hedgeman! Tailsy-boy! Lovin’ what you two are doin’ out there. Sonic 3 is pullin’ rings like a magnet in a bonus level. Let’s talk future. SONIC: You mean, “Sonic 4”? AGENT: Whoa, whoa — easy, hedge maze. We gotta tease ’em to please ’em, if you catch my dick. No sequel — expansion. Two names on the marquee. We can call it — TAILS: — “Sonic and Tails”?! AGENT: …
Yeah, maybe, uh, Tails, would you ex-squeeze us for a sec? Thanks. TAILS: Well, if we’re making a major decision, I’d really like to — AGENT: — Thanks! [door closes] Hedge dog, listen buddy, this guy isn’t on your level. SONIC: I know, but… he’s my best friend. AGENT: The audience doesn’t care about friendship. They wanna see unlikely allies. Hedgehammer, whaddya say to teamin’ up with Knuckles? KNUCKLES: ‘Suuup. SONIC: I can’t just replace Tails! AGENT: Tails doesn’t have attitude! Kids love attitude. Knucks, show ‘im what you got. See?! you can’t teach that! SONIC: Yeah, he- he does have a lot of attitude… AGENT: So it’s settled! “Sonic and Knuckles” it is. TAILS: Can I come back in yet? AGENT: Just a few more minutes, buddy! Tha~anks! Hey, security. We’ve got a two-tailed fox up here. Just made a mess on the rug. Can we have ‘im escorted out and permanently banned from the building? Greaaat. All right, let’s talk big picture. Where do you see yourself in fourteen years? Because I see you as a werewolf. SAMUS: I’m just not sure I need an agent before I even make my first game… AGENT: That’s where you’re wrong, Samus Sosa. I can take you places, baby. We’re gonna break molds, shatter the status quo. They’re gonna rename Nintendo Power, Girl Power. I’m talkin’ about gettin’ some R – E – S- P – E -C -T. SAMUS: I’m listening… AGENT: Checkity check it: you rock the mask ’til we roll the credits. The player’ll think you’re smugglin’ two eggs and a sausage downstairs — dong style. We let ’em think you’re a dude. SAMUS: Yeah, I got that. AGENT: Then we maul every nine-year-old in America with some truth paws. They’ve been playing as a woman the whole time, shattering the preconceived notion that only men can be heroes. SAMUS: That sounds incredible! AGENT: Then if they beat the game REALLY fast, we give ’em a little T & A with you in a bikini. SAMUS: … WHAT?! AGENT: Sex sells, jelly Samus-wich! If ya wanna move units, ya gotta show digits. SAMUS: That, that… that undermines EVERYTHING you just said! It’s not “empowering” if you’re just gonna parade me around in a bikini. AGENT: Y’know what’s really empowering? Being one of the biggest stars in video game history, the greatest bounty hunter in history. You stick with me and you’re gonna make Boba Fett look like Dengar. Who’s Dengar? I don’t know. I don’t read books. SAMUS: What… kind of bikini are we talking? AGENT: String. Thong! SAMUS: Well, I do have an old ugly pink one… But I am NOT taking my boots off. AGENT: Deal. Gettin’ chubbed up already. On to bigger things: How do you feel about skintight blue jumpsuits? AGENT: Donkey Kong, DK, the great ape, statutory ape-ist. What’s happenin’, monkey man? DK: Eh, same old, y’know, climbing scaffolding, throwing barrels at Mario. AGENT: Greaaat. Yeah. Stellar stuff. We’re pullin’ you off the Mario rivalry. DK: What?? AGENT: Sorry, Donk, but Mario’s looking out for number uno. Turtle adversaries are the in thing like ginseng and he ditched ya for King Koopa. No offense, but I don’t blame ‘im. Monkey bosses are yesterday’s jizz. DK: Are you firing me? AGENT: Just the ape-posite. I’ve got tig ol’ plans for you, buddy. Let me spell it out: D – O -N – K – E – Y D – O – N – K – E – Y Space. D – O – N – K – E – Y – Space
K – O – N – G. D – O – N – K – E – Y – Space
K – O – N – G – Space D – O – N – K – E – Y – Space
K – O – N – G – Space
C – O – U – N – T – R – Y. “Donkey Kong Country!” Your own game! This antagonist is ready to get protagon-ish. Up high! DK: … I can’t be the good guy — I kidnap women and murder their boyfriends. AGENT: PR team’s all over it! We pinned the whole thing on your grandfather, slandered ‘im real nice, reeeeeally ruined ‘im. DK: You’ve… destroyed my family…! AGENT: Not to worry, my Kong crony, ‘cuz I got you a better one. Meet your new best friend: Hatty. DIDDY: Uh, a-actually, sir, my name’s Diddy… AGENT: Shut the fuck up, Hatty. Whaddya say, Konkey Dong? You ready to ink this stink? DK: Ah, I don’t know… It’s a huge departure from everything else I’ve done. AGENT: A real negosh’! I love it! Maybe this’ll change your mind… [frenzied gobbling and monkey shouts] AGENT: Is that a banana in your mouth, or are you just happy to do some business? Ha ha ha! So that’s a ‘yes.’ DIDDY: Uh… Can I have one? AGENT: SHUT THE FUCK UP, HATTY. [silence] AGENT: You see what I’m doin’ here, Gordo? That’s right – I’m dancin’ to the brainy vibes you’re puttin’ out. Ladies love nerds, if I’m to believe graphic t-shirts, and I do. They’re pretty much all I read. You’ve got a hot load of talent and I’m gonna help you spray it all over some faces. GORDON: [pubescently cracking] I’M REALLY EXCITED TO BE WORKING WITH YOU! I HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR WHAT YOU DO HERE. AGENT: …
… Is there something in your throat? GORDON: NO, WHY? AGENT: AHH! No reason! And we already signed you to a contract? GORDON: YEP! AGENT: …I am goin’ down hard for this… GORDON: WHAT? AGENT: I mean, you’re totally not a freak and I can work with this! Let’s spew some idea chunks! GORDON: OKAY. I’M IMAGINING A STORY-DRIVEN GAME. I NARRATE THE CUTSCENES — AGENT: — Ohhhh, y-yeah, yeah! Love that idea, freebird. Let’s do the complete opposite of it: You never talk, ever, under any circumstances. GORDON: WH-WHA-HOW WILL THAT WORK?? AGENT: You’ll be the strong and silent type! Speak softly and carry a big stick. That’s what that president guy said, and he has his face on a mountain! Of course, in this case, by big stick, I mean crowbar, and by speak softly, I mean speak never, because you sound like Mickey Mouse raping a eunuch. Okay! I feel like I’ve offended you. I’m just gonna go ahead and hit the reset button on this meeting and start from scratch, startiiiing now. You see what I’m doin’ here, Gordo? That’s right – I’m dancin’ to the brainy vibes you’re puttin’ out — GORDON: — ARE WE REALLY GOING THROUGH THIS WHOLE THING AGAIN?? AGENT: …
… Is there something in your throat? AGENT: Lizardman, Thin Lizzy, the liz-bian! Great to see ya, bud! Question: who are you, and how did ya get into my office? GEX: It’s me! Its Gex. Ya- y- you’ve been my agent for fifteen years? AGENT: Right! Of course! Gex, Gexter, Gex-ual intercourse. Not ringing a bell at all. How ya been? GEX: Not too great… Been out of work for over a decade now… AGENT: Right, right. Well, let me make a few calls and we’ll get you back in those Mario games, pronto. Pretty sure they need a miniboss. One question: how do ya feel about being butt-stomped to death by an overweight Italian? GEX: What?! No! I used to have my own game series! AGENT: Whoa! Hold on, Gex-Mex! You’re THAT Gex?? Gotta be honest with ya – you’re Xbox office poison, buddy No one wants to see a wiseass lizard unless it’s sellin’ ’em insurance. GEX: Come on! I heard there was a Super Smash Brothers game coming up. You can get me in that! AGENT: Love the enthusiasm! Never gonna happen. We gotta start a little smaller. How would you feel about becoming a Pokémon and gettin’ the shit beaten out of you by fatherless 11-year-olds? GEX: No! That sounds terrible! — AGENT: — Gonna get real here. It’s Pokémon or broke-émon if you swallow me. I know an 11-year-old who would be perfect! Nailed his mom eleven years and nine months ago, weirdly enough. I’ll call him in! [Intercom beeps] GEX: Fine… At least I’ll have my dignity — AGENT: — RED, my man! Got a new slave pet for ya to exploit for personal gain. GEX: Can I at least keep making witty jokes and pop cultural references? AGENT: Absolutely, my metro-Gex-ual! One minor thing, though: your name is Charmander now and that’s the only word you’re allowed to say. GEX: Ch… Charmander…? AGENT: See? Already got it. Did I say this guy was a pro or what? Now we just need some orange paint and lighter fluid and you’ll be ready to live in a ball for the rest of your natural life. [sharp inhale] Greaaaaaat. SHANG TSUNG: Okay, next match is Johnny Cage, Hollywood actor, versus Raiden, immortal god of thunder. CAGE: … Wait, did you say immortal god of thunder?
[approaching thunder] [thunder crashes] RAIDEN: (completely nonchalantly) Yeah! Reeeal excited to be here. Very rare that I’m not amongst the other infinitely powerful immortal gods I know. So, what are the terms of this fight? CAGE: To the death…? RAIDEN: Oh-ho my gods! (My fellow gods.) That is adorable. To the death? A-haha! CAGE: Uh, could I have a second to call my agent? RAIDEN: Well, y’know, as an immortal god for whom the entire span of eternity is but a child’s breath, time is pretty much meaningless to me. So, yeah, go nuts, bro. I’ll just be over here being immortal. [thunder crashes] RAIDEN: Shang-a-langa-ding-dong, mind holdin’ this punching bag so I can warm up? SHANG: Yeah, sure. No problem. RAIDEN: HWAAAAA!
[thunder booms] Yeah! Feels good. Feel loose. Yo, Earthrealm! Are we doin’ this thing or what? I got places to go, elder gods to banish to the nether realm. You know – god stuff. CAGE: Actually, uh… I think there’s been a mistake. I really should be fighting, uh… her! SHANG: Oh! Seriously? Huh, that’s uh, that’s my bad, guys. Ok, you two can fight next. CAGE: Ha! I’ll be back in Hollywood in no time. AGENT: Miss Blade, you killed my top client. Yeah, burned him to a crisp with some sorta kiss of death… … and I love it! Known murderers are a hot commodity these days. The DOA people are askin’ about ya. Let me ask ya this: how would you feel about quadrupling your cup size? Let’s turn those milk bags into money bags, those totties into Bugattis, those boobles into rubles. Ha ha! By that I mean money. And tits. CAGE: Mark, you’re a shitty agent.